Bible fishing stories explained

Today we delve into the Bible, to see if Christianity can offer any words of wisdom to the angler whose catches have fallen on stony ground.

The Bible is an old book, even older than "Fly Fishing" by J.R Hartley. Generally it is best to avoid old fishing books, because they are invariably full of pictures of beaches that no longer exist, featuring anglers that no longer exist along with quantities of fish that no longer exist. Luckily much of the knitwear they feature also no longer exists, well not in bobble hat form anyway.

Given that the Bible was written back in the days when magic was real, when hippies could travel on water without the aid of a boat and when the Italian army was actually considered "quite hard", we can be confident that it must contain at least some sound fishing advice.

In order to get the best from our foray into the depths of ecclesiastical learnings it will be necessary to have a good understanding of the general plot of the Bible. In a nutshell, darkness turned to light, GOD made the earth in 6 days but was hampered on the 7th day due to Sunday trading laws. On the 7th day he took the day off, invented fishing, and hasn't been seen since. Due to GODs tendency to be 'always on the beach' he sent his son (Jesus) into work in his place. Jesus was one of those characters that rubs people up the wrong way, and before he had even started scribbling on the wallpaper he had his local King after his head - now for a baby to annoy someone that much takes a skill all of its own. Baby Jesus went to ground until he was old enough to disguise himself with a beard and long hair (glasses and false noses hadn't been invented at that time). However his best friend "Judas" sold him to the Italian army for 30 pieces of silver, probably to be expected of someone named "Judas". The Italians then decided to use Jesus as a flag, but this didn't work out and Jesus took a turn for the worse. Jesus died and the Italians left negative feedback for Judas, which was a shame as he was in good nick when sold.

One liners and other small ships...

Day 5 of celebrity planet build off - GOD creates fish

The book of Genesis tells us: ...and God said, "Let the waters swarm with swarms of living creatures".

Definite evidence that back in the days of the disciples when Ted Tuckerman was but a mere lad, fish could be bred by voice command alone. I know people talk to their plants, but standing on the beach commanding a run of Codling will probably get you locked up.

Jesus invents new fishing genre

In Luke 5.10 whilst Jesus is hanging out with some of the cast of the Magic Roundabout, the Bible says: ...His partners James and John, the sons of Zebedee, were surprised too. Jesus told Simon, "Don't be afraid! From now on you will bring in people instead of fish."

"Bringing in people" - Think of the scrap you would get from a foul-hooked diver on 12lb line. Imagine a jaxi-hooked snorkeler pulling like a hydrofoil. I vote we follow the Bible on this one and resurrect this righteous sport! ...assuming of course that the statement wasn't a result of Jesus having just raided the lumps from Mr.Rustys tobacco tin.

Bible predicts Spanish trawler onslaught

Ezekiel 47:7 - "There will be as many kinds of fish in the Dead Sea as there are in the Mediterranean Sea."

Due to the activities of our donkey prodding amigos, this prediction is rapidly becoming a reality.

Jesus feeds 5000 without the aid of 24 hour garage

In this bag boosting tale Jesus somehow manages to turn 2 fish and 5 loaves into enough food to feed 5,000 people.

According to the Bible Jesus, Bungle and George found themselves on a mountain, turning around Jesus noticed they had been silently followed by 5,000 stalkers. As it was late everyone decided to sit down for tea. It was Bungle that informed them that they had forgotten to pack the sandwiches, 5000 disappointed people turned their hungry gaze towards Jesus.

"Worry ye not!" said Jesus sounding for a moment not unlike Frankie Howard, "let's have a whip around and see what we can conjure up. Someone's bound to have a spare scotch egg or two!". George returned from the whip around with 2 small fish and 5 loaves of bread. Jesus rolled his eyes, and would have sworn if blasphemy had been invented at that point, "Is that it?, Ok get everyone to sit in groups, I've got an idea...".

Some time later 5,000 tubby stalkers lolled around on a mountainside burping and complementing the fish supper. "Right Bungle", said Jesus, "you're on dish duty, I reckon we'll have enough leftovers for 12 small flans tomorrow".

Analysis

Our first attempt at unravelling this mystery hinges on the fact that the 2 fish were actually whale sharks, and were large enough to feed 5,000 people while still leaving enough wobbly bits to fill 12 baskets. The reason the bread held out so well would be because it was brown bread with seeds on, no-one would touch it.

A more plausible explanation is that shortly before everyone had been given their food, Jesus was heard to say "and when I click my fingers...".